New project.

Hello.. i am back in Kuantan!! live from our new house in Jaya Gading you ollss!! Rumah yang sangat awesome... dengan bilik yang lebih awesome..i have a durian tree outside my window you ollss!! *Bangga*

The last time I came back was in September.. due to the cerclage thing I was not allowed to travel long distance for a while. So I couldnt come home for Raya.. booo~~ So I came back last weekend and decide to stay for a week. Alasan...tamau la travel 2days straight..=p hahaha padahal nak dok rumah lama2.. puas oii dok selayang. ZZzzzz...

I found out that my mom was not eating properly and as a result was very ill and no energy at all. She refuse to eat a lot of things except bubur nasi atau nasi dengan sup kosong. Other than that she will eat KFC mash potato or wedges. I figured Papa can buy the sup daging and nasi for dinner.. so on Sunday, I experimented with some beras and try to make the congee.  I learned how to make congee on a cooking show on TV a while back. and weehoooo Adam Berjaya!! Ok now that I knew how and the tricks.. I have to figure out how Mama can have the congee everyday without Papa spending 2hours stirring it on the stove. Solution: Freezing then microwave it just before meal time.

I made more than enough yesterday so I tried frozen the balance. This morning, I tried some variations adding ikan bilis, but mommy tamau.. huhu. So scrap all my plans to make different stocks to aid the congee. She likes it plain. Mujur la ada sebekas kecik lagi in the freezer, I heat it in the microwave for 3minutes. OK la for lunch. Sikit sangat pun.

So I soak 3 scoops of rice in a bowl to make the next batch. Soaked it for 1hour and 15minutes. I use this ice cream scoop to measure the rice. It makes one full almost overflowing pot of congee.

Next time I will try soaking it for at least 2hours to see if it can cut the cooking time shorter. I know mama wants it plain but I insist of having some carrots and potatoes in it. For fibre and some other vitamins and minerals.

So I cooked it with the congee...she refuse it because she cant chew it..so I fish the cut carrots and potatoes, mash it and put it back.

 So ingredient: Rice, water, carrot, and potatoes. No other seasoning or salt or pepper. Na da.

I kept one bowl to be frozen, while the rest is for dinner and supper today. Tomorrow I will make a new batch just like this one. Will try to figure out how much to be frozen. I think it is best I freeze one meal portion instead of one day portion kan.. Maybe a few smaller portions as additional.

Then I need a system to make sure the congee is heated to the right temperature for safety reason. I also need to make sure Papa can do this in seconds. Need to figure all these in the next 3days... huhu.. maybe the first batch to be frozen, I can make it in the rice cooker instead kan. I read it can last frozen solid for at least 2months. So 3weeks supply shouldnt be a problem. I can do this easily, just need some planning and figuring things out.

I am more worried for March and April which I cant do much at these times...huhu.. I tried checking taQbin but Kuantan is out of coverage still. The worst which I can do is Aja to sent it back to Kuantan or worse asking a friend to bring it back. It is heartbreaking to do this but I have no choice. I need to make sure Mama eats daily. She is sick but she is still here and I plan to make sure she knows I care.

au naturel

I for one have gone absolutely bonkers and crazy.. well for a very good reason. about 12 weeks into the pregnancy, i develop this horrible irritating itchiness all over my legs n arms. it is so horrible, enough to send me to a skin specialist. About a month after that.. its gone.. but while i was itching like mad I did a lot of reading about if the mom has eczema, which my dermatologist said i had acute eczema. (ACUTE??? gilo apo..tak penah hayat kena..huhuhu)  it is most likely the baby will too.. but  I always had this sensitive skin thingy not sure what how or why. it is just that my skin has a mind of its own would flare, rash and itch as it likes.. great huh?

So i decided to go natural, organic, and chemical free as possible. starting with my own shower gels and shampoo. It certainly is not cheap but bearable. Shop here! http://www.iherb.com/mypage/eQin-goes-shopping. Get the $10 off your first buy. Murahhh!! Since I am mostly at home, i use very little daily. hahaha.. i mostly only shower once daily if i didnt go out. why should i shower so many times? its not like i go anywhere and bring back germs.. i did not even get out of the house.. duh! =p

next stop, baby's toiletries... searching online for some organic natural baby brands.. and I found this..

http://www.ewg.org/skindeep/#

and

http://safemama.com/cheatsheets/

AWESOOOMMMEE!!

I really wanted to get it from US or UK... But looking at the cost of ALL baby products- clothes, breastpump, diapers etc etc..MAHAL okies. huhhh. Maybe I want to go local with this one and supplement with imported ones.. plus Belilah barangan buatan Malaysia. and if it is bumiputera/muslim/malay companies.. why not support them rite? Try first.. if its good than by all means continue..if its crap... hahaha.. might as well buy imported.

I talked to hubby about using cloth diapers and he said it is too much time consuming which we dont have. I rather he spends the few hours with our baby rather than with dirty diapers.. but it is still an option.

So the next one i want to give a good read is Baby Wipes. And I read a whole lot about it. I have gone from organic disposable wipes, to homemade wipes to cloth wipes, and back to homemade wipes. Ok i stopped there.. the best is of course is the cloth wipes, but it only work best if we decide to cloth diapers anyway. So the next best thing is homemade wipes which i think is CHEAP and EASYYYYY. Read here..

http://naturesnurtureblog.com/2013/06/04/homemade-natural-baby-wipes/

I would just buy some good kitchen towel and ask hubby to precut it in half on a weekend. I reckon 6 rolls cut into 12-half rolls would be enough for a month right? but it is a good starting point. If it is more than enough.. i would just do less the next round or not enough it is easy enough to do it in mid week. I would just buy a lot more kitchen towel and ask hubby to precut it all and do the solution as i go. All other 'ingredients' are easily bought on iHerb or readily available. As for the container, I might want to grab the nicest disposable wipes in container from the babyfair this weekend and start using those 'chemical loaded' wipes on my kitchen counter or bathroom. hahaha.. then i get to use the container with this homemade wipes. cheapo. awesome yet? i think so!! time to measure and count..hehehe...

ok that is sorted out.. I sort of know what to buy and where already for most things. For clothes in the earlier months, we would just go F.O.S. haihh..janji pakai baju dah la. jangan balut kain batik plak kannn.. plus i know that babies grow so freaking fast. no need to buy mahal2 or cantik2 sangat. hhahaha.. mummy pun pakai baju pasar malam je okies. but of course la, baju raya akan di beli kat pumpkin patch or baby gap. hahaha...itu sudah kemestian. Daddy boleh pakai branded! Mummy takpe...tapi baby harus. Mummy happy dah kalau bawak bag Kate Spade n pakai kasut French Sole, baju beli kat tepi2 jalan pun ok jer. =p But as the baby grow, we see if daddy's income grows as fast as you are or otherwise and adjust accordingly. =p Mana la tau, we can afford Baby Dior or Armani junior right??!! hahahahaha.. T_T

Lain2 aku tak kisah sangat..e.g bottles. i want to use glass tapi hubby cakap berat. pemalas. so i go to the next best thing which is BPA free. Tommee tippee or first year's breast flow. nengok la kalau nak beli online local or oversea or beli kat kedai or fair. tak kisah sangat sbb sama je. sket je pun beza. rezeki la tuh kira.

nursery related cot (inherit je dari cousins yg comel2 tuhhh) tilam bantal etc...sudah usha lamaaaa dah. aku dah target ada sorang online seller ni.hahaha..sudah plan pun mau beli kat mana kain and mau buat apa. Harga je blom tau. Hahaha must start saving ya!!

Breast pump pun I almost certainly have decided but want to wait till I get to visit some kedai2 to view it in person and listen to the sales person. So nengok la jugak...cos my budget is 1K for the whole set lots.. cooler bag, ice pack, storage bottles etc. Haiyoo banyak nyer menda...

Last but not least.. Post natal care package. Hohhh I bajet2...one month salary terbang begitu saja.. tapi takpe la.. janji sihat dan cantik dan kurus.. kah kah kah.. target sekarang 21 hari pakej untuk RM3k. It is within range with what is offered in the market.. Around RM150+ plus a day. Cantik cantik cantik! huhuhu T_T So far, in my piggy ada RM 2.8k...kalau berjimat2 dan menyimpan lagi..mmg boleh sangat la amik pakej 21hari AND beli baby bag Kate Spade idaman hati~~ Maybe the bag has to wait a little while..but what the heck..I am not going to use it until at least June 2014...sangat lama lagi untuk menyimpan di piggy bank...awesome!! Nanti bila sudah 3/4 confinement period sudah boleh usha2 nak beli bag itu....heee~ SUKA! Pastu boleh terus menyimpan untuk terus membeli my next french sole. hah?! Kalau 50% off apa salahnyer...hehehe..

So the journey shall starts soon...shopping.. and more shopping. Most likely hubby nak go for the stemcell thing...sbb buleh dapat free maxi cosi car seat.. haha.. vain kannn...tapi hentam je la. nak wat macam mana.. anak dia. mmg sangat excited la nak itu dan ini.. so suka la hati nak beli apa pun.. kalau buleh seme nak branded. huhu.. aku mau yang awesome takdak brand pun takpe.. tapi harus AWESOME.. hahaha..

nak p kira duit syiling jap.. kot2 cukup nak beli botol susu minggu ni.. buleh tak?? hahaha

everything but this..

When my doctor..*pergh...my doctor seyy....hahaha* ok fine i have been going back to him for the past 3 years..qualify la to be my doctor. He said I have to be on leave after week 20, I have a million gazzilion things on my mind how to pass the time without going out of the house. I planned to use my YES 4G internet access and my online shopping skills to pass the time.. well mostly. I also plan to do some light sewing and start gathering some supplies online..hehehe.. but never in a million years *i swear* this was in my mind...

Mug cakes.

I knew my beloved other baby will have to be on leave as well cos I was not supposed to lugging that heavy yet really gorgeous mixer around. and i tell u it is heavy bitch... some 4kg or so..huhuhu I spent a month gaji for you to be gathering dust.. haihhh~~

but it was 4pm and nothing on the telly and I was craving for something hot chocolatey not overly sweet and tadaaaa.....

My first ever mug cake..ok this is a brownie but what the heck...

My my i tell you.. it is as good as any cake i have ever bake.. even more so I must say... its hot..goey chocolatey..salty and sweet..and heaven...

I found the recipe online but as what i always do.. I never trust a single recipe.. i look at a few and find some common ground... the baker in me tweak the recipes so here is mine...if you do it like i did.. i guarantee u the best chocolatey goodness ever..

2tablespoon salted butter -melted in the mug for 25secs

1/4cup flour

1/4 cup brown sugar

1/4 cup milk

2tblspoon cocoa powder

1teaspoon vanilla

some chopped nuts -hazel, walnut,pecan etc

some broken pieces of dark chocolate

mix everything carefully and microwave it at 60-75 seconds at high while you clean up.. Do not microwave it too long or it will be too dry and cakey. You will want that extra melty chocolate pieces. Wait 15seconds for it to cool down a bit and enjoy!!

Go ahead do other things to it.. Nuttela, peanut butter, choc chips etc If chocolate is not your thing.. go on and find one to your liking... one tip: look for recipe with no egg. Anyone can do this.. it is freaking easy.. 

I had it for 3 days in a row before the doctor's appt.. and i gained 4kg instead of just 2kg.. ok saya insaf!!!! So as easy as it might be.. DO NOT HAVE THIS DEVIL EVERYDAY! once in a while is ok i guess.. huhu..i have another week before the next appt.. doctor is not too happy with my weight gain. Owh baby..

we are so going to be fat. 

haih...so easy so good so yummy mug cakes.. back to surfing and sewing. I have a couple of new house warming gift to make!! =)

Here I go again....

Assalamualaikum dearest beloved girls..


By the time you read this.. I am probably already in the OT room under anesthetic yet again but for a totally different reason. I have to do this procedure called 'Cervical Cerclage' as I am now 15 weeks pregnant...

The fact that I refuse to tell about my previous blighted ovum - living in the bubble episod..make me easily slip into living in the bubble again.. much to my delight and more to my psychological peace. No one knew about it except wan and I and the third person who knew about it was the doctor. I had really bad early weeks between the positive test and first actual ultrasound. I was almost going extremely crazy dealing with roller coaster emotions and morning sickness [more like evening for me..duhh] I even delayed about going to the doctor to confirm it...talking about ignorance is bliss... but yeah I felt an ultra calm peace knowing that if it doesnt turn out good I dont have to deal with alot of people asking me a looooottt of questions. I even told Wan that if its nothing..then no one has to know about it. We will just brave it through...the two of us. No one else..

So we kept quiet even after the first ultrasound at 8weeks and we heard the baby's heart beat. It was a relief but with what happen to Hanna..I know there is so much more to this...thats why we did not tell a lot of people. We decided that the people that should know right from the beginning was our parents. After that it was a loooong silence until the doctor told me..I need to do this cerclage thing and take off from work until my delivery date. So I only told 3 friends at school because they and their workload will be affected severely with my absence from school. I only told my HM and GPK when the doctor has confirm me the date and with letters to support it.  Wan told his bosses to avoid being sent out station and offshores.. Thats about it. I was not yet comfortable to break the news. Until last week I had the courage to tell our siblings about it.. so we starts doing so. Even so I still felt 'the bubble' is the best place to be.. its not like its the first time I got pregnant.. this is already the fourth. Yes people are happy for you...but the happiness is temporary and when the sadness begins...you are all alone again... and it felt like forever.

I have no idea how to tell you girls this...honestly I really dont know. Wan keeps on pushing me to tell you.. I decided this will be the best way.. I dont know why you should be happy with the news when I cant be happy with yours... but all of you have bigger hearts than mine...

So thats my news and thank you for reading it. I am still sorry for what I did.. there is no excuse for what i did.. it was pure selfish of me.

My first baby..

After a few weeks of owning the ultimate stand mixer... I finally able to create fabulous creations...

It was almost a disaster..as I try to make too many things in an awful short amount of time.. I tried to bake bread and make fairy cakes all in one afternoon.. and both could have gone horribly wrong.

First.. my bread dough is not smoothing up and elastic-y enough.. but i decide to proof it all together.. turns out all right.. could use bread improver and a little bit more yeast. and a little longer proofing. still dense and heavy.. tapi lembut laaa jugak. i got about 6 slightly bigger buns..from half the recipe. I should have just mixed the dough longer and bersabar..huhuhu.. Bersabar adalah key to a great bread dough.. FUHHHH...sabar babe!! next time ok next time kita relax2 wat roti...fikiran yg serabut2 will translate into roti yang keras dan tidak gebu...

Then I tried to whip up a vanilla cake batter and when I was already spooning it to the tray.. i realise that I totally forgot the baking powder!~ weeehhooo... dump it all back in the mixer with 2 and half teaspoon of baking powder and whip it up hard with my super mixer.. and pray it will be delicious. Phewww~~

I get almost 56 cuppies all together. I plan to make it all pretty with a swiss meringue buttercream..but I ate alot of it and now mcm malas nak buat the buttercream.. The cuppies are heaven.. light fluffy and not too sweet.. I of course use the best vanila cake recipe from buddy the cake boss.. hohohoho...

I also learn that if i use the fan option of my oven..my cuppies wont crown as much resulting of a better looking ones and more suitable to be ice. i need to buy sprinkles!!!

I also learn that i have to bake my cuppies a little brown..to avoid the liners peeling off..I also need to get the correct liners size for my pan. plain and pretty ones please.. I didnt know they have seriously alot of different sizes.. and i need to buy an ice cream scoop or this... i just learn about it last night. Me wantt!!!

I am the crazy woman who insist of having of only the best available. hohoho.. malangnyer duit jer tak best..hahahaahahah...

selain wilton batter dispenser... saya juga mahu ini~~

 

Haaaaa kau... tak gila sementara kahh??? aku kan gila of having the complete set of something. hohoho..All can be purchased at wilton kota damansara or subang jaya

Wisma ICCA, 1, Jalan PJU 5/15, Dataran Sunway, Kota Damansara, 47810 Petaling Jaya, Selangor, MalaysiaTel   : 03-6140 8835 Fax  : 03-6142 1501		No. 2 & 2A-1, Jalan Putra Mahkota 7/8E, Putra Heights, 47650 Subang Jaya, Selangor, Malaysia. Tel  : 03-5103 8991 Fax : 03-5191 5835
Operating Hours:		Mon to Friday : 10am - 6pm Saturday  :10am -5pm Sunday + Public Holiday : Closed
Mon to Saturday : 9:30am - 7pm Sunday : 9:30am - 5pm Public Holiday : Closed

To all gorgeous beloved babes reading this.. I would be delighted to have this as my birthday present. *please get my very subtle hint hahahaha...*

My new baby~

Yeayy.. after a month of being mixer-less...ceh mcm laa baking everyweek. huhu.. I finally bought my new mixer.

I called all Kitchen Shop around klang valley for the ultimate Raspberry Ice colour.. but it is discontinued in Malaysia. So there is no way I can buy it unless i imported it illegally. Meaning no warranty and have to buy transformers. *gasp* 3ribu kot~ takpe la. So i settle for the Baby Pink Cook for Cure version of the Artisan Mixer.

Its a big bummer..but at least its still pink and its for a cause dear to my heart. =)

Im so broke this month well at least until 15th April..hahaha... I couldnt convert the buy to easy pay 0% interest.. so I had to pay with the card and pay it with my next gaji..hohoho.. sebulan gaji den losap begitu sajo...  but when u get a view like this..

aaaa....it is all worth it~ cantik kan??  to the left is the cake stand with the glass plate n cover inherited from Mama. sangat gorgeous kerana ia sangat vintage looking.. saya suka~~ and to the right is my new 2 tier pink with white polka dots cake plate inherited from IKEA. ok fine aku baru beli malam tadi..30 hengget jer.  speed shopping at IKEA. duhhh~~ sale dah nak abis kot!

So my baking showroom is complete. well sort of.. it is fully complete when I get the pink doilies to put on the glass plate.. hahaha..

Hubby nak saya bake roti. tapi saya sibuk sangat sangat sangat sbb saya ada 3 gunung buku nak mark and saya juga perlu update saya punyer SPPBS untuk 130 ekor monkeys.. owh slah. anak murid kesayangan ku~~ huhuhu...

130biji in total. hoh. leh masuk mimpi punyer laa~

Mencari ilham, masa dan kesempatan untuk berblogging.. dengan to do list yang saaaaaaannngggaaat la panjang berjela. huhu. nak p beli towels pun tak sempat sempat lagi~ hohohoh. Now I know why people hire personal shopper. urghh~.

Semoga my new baby will be there to witness all the wonderful creations I am destined to create.

poyo.

A new life

Tribute to my most loyal reader : BUJAL. love u sooo muchh~~ muahhh~~

I was really taken back when i was told that my blog is not updated. ces. I quit fb to make sure I have time to blog but since we move in to our new crib,[officially move-in: JULY] time is very limited. All the cleaning, cooking tidying up is taking alot of my time. I soon learn that I can clean my house with a single phone call. weeeehoooo~~ 2 hours and RM60 poorer, my house is spotless. I can still remember how I was so afraid to even walk into the kitchen and get something for dinner. I was sitting on the sofa admiring my glossy floor. hahaha. crazy woman. Now I only need to find someone to iron all my baju kurung. Bibik saya skarang busy jaga mama saya. so bibik saya takleh datang rumah gosok baju..huhuhu...

quick update:

last nov we went for 5day 4 night gateway to penang + cruise to phuket n krabi. gila syiok. intended to spend tonnes of money but we didnt. phuket sangat mahal okie. i attended a baking class before i go back to kuantan. i learn how to bake bread...which till today yet to put into practice. booo~~

dec:  i spend a lot of my holidays time away from the house which in turn makes me soooo unprepared for school term. But i manage to spend rm400 at big bad wolf. ish ish crazy woman. but all for good things. right before school starts..i manage to learn how to make the delish millie crepe cake. nyumm.. and spend a good rm300 to buy stuff n gadgets. so no new bag or shoe or baju kurung for me.. but i manage to inherit quite a few from mama. hehehe.. owh i actually have some new resolutions for the new year. hahaha. starting small and starting slow. starts with lemon that cost 70sen a piece or less. kedekut gila. hahaha

Jan: school has gone bonkers with our new GB. hoiii... banyak kijo wehh. but i actually like him cos he likes to menyenangkan tugas cikgu. cuma with all that simplified, in his head, we have more time to do more things. gorgeous. all that cause my face to be a breading ground for pimples.. gorgeous. so I spend the last and only half month of my bonus signing up a new facial package RM1998. owh you crazy womannn..

feb: It is dangerous for me to be left alone..with hubby gone working away so much, my head is spinning like crazy mad with ideas of spending money. and while looking at my friends toting new bag and bouncing in new shoes make me green n pink n purple and go haywire. bengong eqin. so i spend 3 days and 3 nights looking at my favourite buang duit websites and i found a gorgeous bagg!!! bodoh betol eqin.. and a week after that i found the perfect shoe to match the bag. Dah la both my favourite. kate spade bag and French sole shoe. double bengong for CNY. bukan double prosperity. urghhh

But i decided to forget all of it...since I have a big resolution to achieve at the end of the year. Like they say...bags will be out of seasons..shoes will wear out..but photographs last forever.. hohohoho..

but bad news come in threes. I busted my MIXER yang bercap Takada on Valentine's day. I was just trying to cream 500gm of butter with 4 cups of sugar.. heh. Berasap wehh mixer aku~~nasib baik it was one of the wedding gift. serve me ok thru my raya cookies baking tho. haihhh~~ need a new mixer now.  

BUT: something came with the annoying credit card statement last month. The only fun thing about credit card statement is the points collected~~ I have been sneaky by volunteering to pay with my card every time I am out with the girls.. haha since I am the only one with a credit card. heee... I manage to turn those points into real things..like a dvd player and hubby baru je redeem a new juicer. Yeayy can start juicing within 2 weeks....And with last month's statement came this offer of zero interest installment plan from selected shops. one of it KITCHEN SHOP. heeee... the shop i intended to buy my gorgeous Kitchen Aid Artisan Mixer when I got the money..huhuh. Since I busted my so-not beloved mixer, hubby has given me green light to buy the kitchen aid mixer.. weeee hooo. and since I can turn it into installment plan up to 36months why not I buy it.

So now the agonising thing is what colour to choooseeee~~~ adoi laa.

*sangat banyak gambar nak include...tapi malas..

sunshine love

Assalamualaikum my beloved girls.

This is the only way I can think of to communicate with you girls. What I am about to say could change what we have between us, me and all of you. I have thought, cried, prayed, and cried again and I decided to wait till the last minute just in case I change my mind and my heart. 

I know Huda is pregnant. She should be about 7months now..she will be 8 next month when our reunion is due. 

I knew I invited all of you to my house for a much needed reunion. At that time I didn’t know. About a few weeks after that I got to know it accidentally. I cried and cried. I tried to find someone to talk about it and that was when I was hit really hard that I can only talk to you girls, for comfort and sanity. Don’t get me wrong. I cried because I am weak. I am happy for her. I really am. I totally get it why none of you came to me and talk about it. I understand why and I really am thankful for having such thoughtful friends by my side. Thank You EVER SO MUCH. But I am really sorry I can’t have you girls at my house. Especially not when she is that far along the pregnancy. 

I knew I would feel this way if this happen. That was one of the reasons I stopped my birth control pills just days before Yunie’s wedding. I love you girls so much I refuse to be in such situation. 

There are also many many reasons why I deactivate my FB account. One of the main reason is I can’t stand reading ‘owh my baby sangat pandai..dia main ngn papa tadi’ or ‘ i don’t mind staying up all night to nurse my boy’ . It hurts me deep and very bad. Pictures are worse. They put tears to my eyes instantly. I could not deal with it. So i shut my FB. There are other reasons, its true, Wan once said I spend too much time on FB. And I also did it because I don't want people to know that I am hurting. I don't want to put up statuses on FB pouring my heart out so I will pour my heart out to Him instead.

The truth is I am weak. So bloody weak. I have lost my courage and strength. I even decided not to get pregnant again. I don’t want to try again. Ever. It took me a year after I lost Hanna to get back on my feet being ok and everything. I emptied my bank accounts in the process to make me feel ok. I am doing it again right now. 

I am so sorry for being such an asshole and selfish but I had to. I am trying so hard to be ok but I could not. Maybe not yet. That was why I waited and gave myself a deadline before telling you girls. I prayed and prayed; ask for strength and mercy from Him. I cried and cried for many days even fight and quarrel with Wan. I cried because I am angry at myself for not being OK. 

I know you girls, being you, would understand where all this comes from. I wish you will never know how I really feel. I wish you will never have to go through all this.

I really am sorry. I really love all of you. I could not think of what will happen next because of my actions. I leave it all to you. I really hope you girls can find it deep in your heart to forgive me. I don’t know how to live without you girls. I really am doing this alone. You girls are the only ones I can rely on to keep me sane. 

By all means, you girls should not cancel the reunion. Huda deserves a baby shower like we did for Sudi. Why don’t you girls go to Kuantan and be with her. I wanted to pay for your accommodation in KL during the week so you girls can still have the reunion, but my salary was cut till December and I emptied my bank account. I barely have enough to keep me sane. So sorry again, I had to be such a party pooper. But if you girls plan to buy something for Huda, I want to join, if that is ok. 

I know Huda has been trying to reach me. She texted me once n called once. But I can’t face her. There is still so much anger n envy in my heart. That is not good for the baby.  Please tell her I am happy for her, wish her all the best and all the good things in the world for both. 

I will be away for a couple of days on the cruise holiday. It has been really hard n rough for me and Wan these past few months. Partly because of all this rage I have in me...so I hope to patch things up with him.  It is not going to be any easier from now on. Doing this bouncing back thing alone is totally not recommended.

Please forgive me. You are the bestest of friends one could ever have. I am so blessed to have you in my life. I am sorry for being such lousy, ungrateful and selfish person especially after all that you girls have done for me. I am truly deeply sorry.

Lots of love and hugs,

xoxo

kusut

kusut bila memikirkan
antara diri dan mereka

sanggupkah aku kehilangan mereka
kerana diri ini lemah

sanggupkah aku berpurapura lagi
demi kasih sayang itu

sanggupkah aku bermuka manis
sedang hati ini terus menangis

mana harus ku jaga
hati ini
atau
hati mereka
yang amat aku sayang.
terlalu sayang.

tapi aku tak sanggup untuk berpura pura lagi. tolong.
kusutttttttttttttt.




 hati. tolonglah kuat. tolonglahhh
 

Only Heaven Knows

She's always on my mind
From the time I wake up 'til I close my eyes
She's everywhere I go
She's all I know

And though she's so far away
It just keeps gettin' stronger everyday
And even now she's gone
I'm still holding on
So tell me where do I start
'Cause it's breaking my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come back some day
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows

My friends keep tellin' me
That if you really love her
You've gotta set her free
And if she returns in kind
I'll know she's mine
So tell me where do I start
'Cause it's breakin' my heart
Don't wanna let her go

Maybe my love will come back some day
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows

Why I live in despair
'Cause wide awake or dreaming
I know she's never there
And all this time I act so brave
I'm shaking inside
Why does it hurt me so

Maybe my love will come back some day
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray

Maybe my love will come back some day
Only heaven knows
And maybe our hearts will find a way
Only heaven knows
And all I can do is hope and pray
'Cause heaven knows
Heaven knows
Heaven knows

sad.

just plain sad. yes I am sad that hanna had to go. yes I accept that its not my decision to make. yes I know she has gone to a better place. yes I admit that Allah loves her more and I may not be able to care for her until she becomes the ultimate muslimah. I accept that and i have no intention to ask why she was taken away from me.

but I am just sad that other people was not given the chance to know her n love her. I am just sad that people would not remember her. I am just sad that nobody will visit her. I am just sad that we will be the only one to love n remember her.

18 Jan - 18 Feb 2011. She would be 1month old tomorrow. Love u baby girl

cuti

I read on fb, one friend wrote that 'my bonus at the end of every year is 6weeks of paid vacation'. which is absolutely true. but year after year after year, it never seems like having all 6 weeks to laze around n be lazy n be bored. There is always something to do n most of the time too much to do.. =( so it is not really a vacation. but more like you are being paid to catch up with other things that u didnt get to do while working... huhuhu

and believe it or not... i have tonnes of activity to do and so much more places to go.. i need to clear my room n get stuff here.. how am i supposed to fit all my clothes [3rails worth of baju kurung n shirt n blouse and everthing else] in the closet..I HAVE NO IDEA! huhuhu

I need to get some stocks here. I will have to bring alot more than last time. huhu.. ada org amik 20 and i was left like 4 pcs jer..huhu and i have to take this holiday time to start a new list to advertise n leave links everywhere. huhu. i really2 want to do a year end sale but as i dont have my stocks with me.. its really hard! huhui still have no where to put the stocks yet! owh i really need to find some space.. bawah katil penuh dgn hadiah kawen!!! perhaps getting a small short drawers to put by the window is good idea. we can put our lappie there..both of it and solve the problem of hiding my stocks n ayang's files.. owh he does have ALOT of files.. he is very good at filing. he takes it really seriously like filing everything very systematically. huhu.. me? i am the messy one remember?

i shall continue soon~~

change

For the umph-teen or million time, I want to get this out loud n clear. I hate change!

I am one of those human being that love to stay in my comfort zone. Changes scare me. Be it good or bad, it still scares me to the max.

At the moment there will be a lot of changes in the next coming months.. First I get to transfer to Gombak. The school is still a mystery. Hopefully I can get something closer to home so that I dont have to travel to far from home.

So that means I will move my laidback life in Kuantan to KL. I will be living in Gombak until our place in Selayang is ready. I dont really fancy the idea of living there..but what to do.. a wife's place is next to her husband. I am glad to be able to drop that weekend wife title. I long to get the chance to be able to kiss my hubby before he goes to work and give him a great big hug that could make his shirt all wrinkle up! heeee

Another thing that worries me is my business. How on earth I am going to continue it now? I need access to post office and more importantly some space for all my hooks. I can however find a small place to put limited stock like 2/3pcs of each colour/design...which really means I have to travel back to Kuantan to constantly replenish my stocks. Considering my situation n condition now...i dont think that is permisible.. [if there such a word.. hehehe]


I can't wait for the house to be ready. I can't wait to move in n have a normal life. I want to live like normal husband n wife. It will be hard work as I have to clean, cook n wash but I want it. If it is too much I can always ask for a maid rite..hehehehhe lazy lazy me!

Apart from that.. will i be happy with the school? will the friends be okay? will the kids be amazing like my year 3E? Will the teachers tolerate my laziness of everything? My messiness? I sort of pick what I want to do. I don't mind going all out with teaching n get the materials ready and stuff. But hey look at my class.. they had potential to be one of the pretiest class..but unfortunately they get Moi for the class teacher. Decorating n putting up all those knick knacks are certainly not my specialty. I dont really bother about making it a pretty class...just plain clean with shiny floors will do. I dont tolerate with messiness in the class tho.. just in my room n on my table. heeee..

There will be a lot more changes happening in months to come.. but I am not ready to spill here it yet. Just incase someone is reading. Tho I am pretty sure no one reads my blog anymore.. but just incase. I am not ready to face the situation yet again tho I pray hard that I don't have to. That it will be a wonderful journey for me n hubby...

speaking of hubby, I havent talk to him for the past 72 hours.. he is away for work.. i dont like it. but what can I do? for the past 2 nights n as i am typing this.. i still keep on trying to dial the number if I could get through the line. But the weather [ i guess] has a different plan. He was supposed to come back last Thursday..but something came up and he had to delay his return to Sunday. 2 nights away.. I think I can.. but I am not really sure I can.. huhuhu

A lot of thoughts has gone into this post.. I really am happy. Sometimes, when I feel sad or happy.. i read my old posts..it reminds me of the happier/sadder days I had in the past.. how i dealt with it..how i change my life.. It is really an eye opener.. and yes I am thankful and glad that I have this blog. I will be back soon..perhaps with some happy news...

friends

sometimes i think i have the craziest friends on earth. sometimes i feel that we are all sooooooooo different until i feel how on earth that we ever become friends. sometimes i feel that they are the weirdest bunch of people. sometimes i feel that they are the silliest 25+ years old in the world!

but  most times they are the people you can count on. Most of the times we are so similar that we are thinking about the same thing even we are at different places. most times i feel that they are the most normal human beings in this world. [really????] most times i think that they are the super genius and cleverest people in the whole wide world.

But hey at all times, I am the lucky one to have friends like you...

As usual... when i feel there is one of us that need any other one of us..i blog about them. who is it this time?

love

I choose the title because the subject of today's post is someone that I truly love.

I couldnt pick up the phone and dare to ask her.. what is going on?

But looking at seeing her changing her blog name once in 24hours seriously bugs me. It may not be anything but I am genuinely worried.

SO darling...wats up? Anything u want to tell me? or Anything you want to say? I am here.. even at 3am. Give me a call. [Tho if u call me after 10pm, you may not get my full attention...because you get the sleepy me.. but hey..I am there..~~]

Love u to bits n pieces.. all 4 of you.

disturbed

I may claim that my 'kampung halaman' is the Great Britain. I may claim that I am 'British' jokingly. I may claim that 'andai aku dibuang dan tak diterima... andai aku disingkirkan... akan ku lari balik ke UK' hehehe..

but I love this country very much and try not to betray the very same government that give me the chance to be a whole lot better person. The only one chance to realise that there is soooo much more life has to offer!

But when a very respected relative who had a great education and respectable job and a healthy bank account which I assume to be so cultured with a very modern open minded person said something very shallow and ridiculous, it just blew me right away. It hit me straight away that tho I may not be even remotely eligible to be 'Negarawan' and I at any given day, be given the chance to live at another country and dump this teaching job, would definitely take it no question asked, but I still have the guts to at least respect the harmony of the racial integration and be thankful for the life that I have.

It bothers me how can someone so successful in life, living in a big house, working for a GLC company, has a daughter living abroad, siblings living abroad, look-up to by others including myself can utter something so obviously wrong. How on earth someone like that can say that the stupid guy namewee is brilliant?

We are cultured people... we are working toward a develop nation which will not happen overnight. If you are not happy towards something, there are proper channels on which you can express you unhappiness, there are ways you can complain and if all means fail. There is always the newspaper and televisions.. even calling up Karam Singh Walia is ten thousand million times better than trashing the very same country that you live in. The same government that provide the health care for your mom when you were born, the very same country that teach you how to read and write.

And there is another instance where I thought someone else who appears very religious could blame the same organisation that is giving them job and a good life. They say the organisation is not doing their job just because that I haven't been transfered to KL yet. I could say nothing but smile~~ I could say what I am about to write next but it is just not my style to do such thing.

I learned long ago that when things didn't happen the way I wanted them to be, there must be something better! We plan, but God has a better plan for us. After my wedding, I applied to be transfered to KL, and when it didn't happen, I cried and cried and cried non stop. I asked why did you want to see me suffer like that? Why would you waste a teacher who could do so much more than this? Little that we know I will be transfered to Kuantan soon after that to take care of my sister who is going to sit for her SPM n mom who was diagnosed with breast cancer that year. Imagine if I get the transfered to KL. How could I help my dad to send my sister here there and everywhere..  how can I help my mom when she was soo sick?

I believe that God has a lot in store for me. He may not give me what I want all the time...but i certainly get what I needed. I send in my application again this year.. but even if I did or didnt get it.. I know there is something good for me.


on a different note:
I long the company of friends who have the same wavelength and those who share the same 'maturity' with me.. but then, I wont meet these people who really scares me thinking what does the future society has to offer..  and I was again scared by the fact that my students are so unaware that there is another side of the world and there is soooo much more life has to offer...and they live in the very same borderless world!

It scares me...but I am selfish enough not to let the teaching consume my youth. I am destine to be so much more!

jumble-up

it has been a while since i last blog. since i put thoughts in my post into what i write. Many things had happened.

Since the last post.

Puasa

Mama n Papa pegi Mekah
Raya
Ayang worked offshore for almost 3weeks
Course in IPBA for 5days~
Reunion in Janda Baik
Bought my Chloe Paddington

That was a fun filled months...lots and lots of celebration and occasional tears. Owh that must happen to me. It will happen.

And school is going to be out really soon.. owh saya sudah rasa mood bercuti~~~ saya sungguh malas untuk mengajar~~~ and again my holiday will be filled with lots and lots of activities. I really really want to read the book i bought two years ago.

First I need really think about kitchen n interior design. I really have to start thinking about colours n patterns and deco. Owhh dear how fun~~ Floor n blinds n tiles n handles~ Hubby said that during this school holiday I will have to start sketching and collecting info about all things. As soon as the keys in our hands, we will start asking for quotation and buying things to move in. We are sooo sooo sooo excited about our new crib!

I did some thinking months ago.. kind da decided that I want calm n clean look. I want my house to look like showroom. Clean and streamline. My kitchen too. heee.. which really translate to no cooking at all. =p One or two colours with different shades. Really really wants to make this right.

Hubby n I really have the same idea and thoughts about decorating. Only he will have more say in it cos he is paying for it~~ I am soo going to make him pay for it. He has good taste n doesnt mind paying more for fancier stuff.

I have back n forth thoughts about continuing my business. Not that it is not rewarding. It really is and it is paying for my Chloe at the moment which is equal amount to almost 3months pay. huhuhu.. But i make a mistake and it is not really fun anymore. I make 2 mistakes. huhu I learn but it is not fun when  u have to pay for it for a very long time. Plus I might be get transferred to KL which will be a really troublesome to continue. First I need space to put all the hooks. 2nd posting will be a lot of trouble unless I can figure it out. But I can really put it to good use and I can join loads of different bazaar. I really want to make a lot of sales during the holidays. I really want to get the words out.. I really need to do something.

I think thats about it for tonite. I must must must put my thoughts here.. every since facebook came into my life..blogging really has taken a back seat. Not fun!!!

Not again

once again we are in a lot of mess. 2nd Oct is the date to look forward to. but it seems faraway. it seems like forever. it seems like an eternity.

Dearest, please hold on. I am not able to be there fully as I am not whole myself. But lets hold hands in our hearts so that we could go through this in one piece. Love u loads more than i ever love myself.

-less

I am always the kind who took a while to digest in changes. It is a little hard to poke into my thick skull. I took my own sweet time to adjust my feelings to the changes.. be it good or bad.. its the same.

then when i start to warm up to the idea.. getting excited to jump into it. It hit me with the thing that I hate the most. Uncertainty. When things are uncertain.. i refuse to talk, do or even think about it. I hate it when people say what i should or i should not do about things i myself not sure. i hate it even more have to deal with people asking me what happen... so i just sit there, be quiet and pretend nothing happen, until i figure it out. It scares me..its like determining something which could be the other way round..

Even so when things go the less favourable way...i am glad that not many people know about it. I am glad that i dont have to tell lots of people the bad news.. i dont like to disappoint others.. i feel guilty. I feel that what ever happen is my fault.

When i don't have to talk about it.. i don't have to think about it.. i won't feel sad.. its easier to go back to the state before anything change.. i just slip back to my old life. forget that this part ever happens. bury deep in my hearts where no one can ever reach and bring it to the surface again. only I will remember it at the back of my mind.

Let me be the only one who have to face what come may.. those who knows just be on the side lines. pray for me. those who dont know just leave them in the dark. if they dont need to know then...they certainly dont need to know now.


Now I know that I like to keep my private life...very much indeed private.

Haywire

A few months back one of us broke up from a 9 years relationship.

We tried to be together try to support each other.. try our best. But our biggest enemy is our commitment. and distance for most of us. Tho my school is just a shout away from her house.. we barely see each other. We are stuck with work. The rest of us.. KL/Bandar Tenggara/ Penang- Kuantan is just too far to convey a comforting hug, some wisdom words.

To her.. it is hard.. it is painful.. but you have to be strong. you have to show that you are above him. you are the bigger person. Dont let him toy with your feelings.. Dont let him conquer your mind. You can cry...cry with us.. dont cry to him. Cry..cry your heart out.. Please don't let him know that you are crying. Pour...pour everything to us.. Not him. Cos he won't make you feel better... You will make him feel better.. We will try our best to make you feel better.

Due to this situation, one of us invite her to tag along to a vacation trip over the long weekend. So they are going to a peaceful calm and serene place. Hopefully it will help her to clear her head. Make her realise how strong she is than she thinks she is..

But.. fate has its funny way to test us..

This morning, when they are all excited to meet up and chat all night long.. The vacation girl get a phone call.. Her mom is diagnose of breast cancer and immediately scheduled for surgery on the very same day. She obviously drop everything and drive back to her hometown.

If you haven't know.. my mom was diagnose with a breast cancer a year and a half ago. I know exactly how she feels.. I just hope she is okay. I just hope her mom is okay.

Things are so haywire now.. this is a test of our 5points relationship. Married with a child, In a relationship, Just broke up, [sorry babe...] unknown.. and me.. just Married for now.

It is sad for me...when I have a news to tell...they are in deep sadness.. its like fate prevent them from being happy for me..

This is not the first time.. sedih kan.