This is the only way I can think of to
communicate with you girls. What I am about to say could change what we have
between us, me and all of you. I have thought, cried, prayed, and cried again
and I decided to wait till the last minute just in case I change my mind and my
heart.
I know Huda is pregnant. She should be
about 7months now..she will be 8 next month when our reunion is due.
I knew I invited all of you to my house for
a much needed reunion. At that time I didn’t know. About a few weeks after that
I got to know it accidentally. I cried and cried. I tried to find someone to
talk about it and that was when I was hit really hard that I can only talk to
you girls, for comfort and sanity. Don’t get me wrong. I cried because I am
weak. I am happy for her. I really am. I totally get it why none of you came to
me and talk about it. I understand why and I really am thankful for having such
thoughtful friends by my side. Thank You EVER SO MUCH. But I am really sorry I can’t
have you girls at my house. Especially not when she is that far along the
pregnancy.
I knew I would feel this way if this
happen. That was one of the reasons I stopped my birth control pills just days
before Yunie’s wedding. I love you girls so much I refuse to be in such
situation.
There are also many many reasons why I
deactivate my FB account. One of the main reason is I can’t stand reading ‘owh my
baby sangat pandai..dia main ngn papa tadi’ or ‘ i don’t mind staying up all
night to nurse my boy’ . It hurts me deep and very bad. Pictures are worse. They
put tears to my eyes instantly. I could not deal with it. So i shut my FB. There are other reasons, its true, Wan once said I spend too much time on FB. And I also did it because I don't want people to know that I am hurting. I don't want to put up statuses on FB pouring my heart out so I will pour my heart out to Him instead.
The truth is I am weak. So bloody weak. I
have lost my courage and strength. I even decided not to get pregnant again. I don’t
want to try again. Ever. It took me a year after I lost Hanna to get back on my
feet being ok and everything. I emptied my bank accounts in the process to make
me feel ok. I am doing it again right now.
I am so sorry for being such an asshole and
selfish but I had to. I am trying so hard to be ok but I could not. Maybe not
yet. That was why I waited and gave myself a deadline before telling you girls.
I prayed and prayed; ask for strength and mercy from Him. I cried and cried for
many days even fight and quarrel with Wan. I cried because I am angry at myself
for not being OK.
I know you girls, being you, would understand where all this
comes from. I wish you will never know how I really feel. I wish you will never have to go through all this.
I really am sorry. I really love all of
you. I could not think of what will happen next because of my actions. I leave it all to you. I really
hope you girls can find it deep in your heart to forgive me. I don’t know how
to live without you girls. I really am doing this alone. You girls are the only
ones I can rely on to keep me sane.
By all means, you girls should not cancel
the reunion. Huda deserves a baby shower like we did for Sudi. Why don’t you
girls go to Kuantan and be with her. I wanted to pay for your accommodation in KL
during the week so you girls can still have the reunion, but my salary was cut
till December and I emptied my bank account. I barely have enough to keep me
sane. So sorry again, I had to be such a party pooper. But if you girls plan to
buy something for Huda, I want to join, if that is ok.
I know Huda has been trying to reach me.
She texted me once n called once. But I can’t face her. There is still so much anger n envy in my
heart. That is not good for the baby. Please tell her I am happy for her, wish her
all the best and all the good things in the world for both.
I will be away for a couple of days on the
cruise holiday. It has been really hard n rough for me and Wan these past few
months. Partly because of all this rage I have in me...so I hope to patch
things up with him. It is not going to
be any easier from now on. Doing this bouncing back thing alone is totally not
recommended.
Please forgive me. You are the bestest of
friends one could ever have. I am so blessed to have you in my life. I am sorry
for being such lousy, ungrateful and selfish person especially after all that
you girls have done for me. I am truly deeply sorry.
Lots of love and hugs,
xoxo
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