its summer and its raining....

huhuhu..pathetic summer holidays..its raining for almost 3days now..even tho i manage to go out yesterday... its very gloomy.. rain rain go away...hopefully it will be bright and sunny when me n my sisters go to london,manchester and cardiff.. cant wait... im sooooooooooooooooooooo super excited even tho it means more money.. hahah currently my bank account is in super critical state.. but its ok. i will somehow manage to survive.. i spend when i have the money... if i dont, then...i stay quietly at home doing everything that doesnt invovle money.. hahaha.. hmm nothing much had happen lately..
its difficult u know, when we let something go,or we give up...it hurt alot...and after awhile we somehow manage to pull ourselves together, live on...dont really think about it...then something happen reminding us about it, giving us hope that it might survive/happen...but then...we find out that we have to let go AGAIN...and go thru that hurting states of feelings and mind AGAIN... and it happens thousands of times to me over and over AGAIN... why cant i just stop it? why does it bother me? why it happens to me? why after the thousand times i still believe that it might happen? why after the thousand times it still hurt me?
i know that this will happen again,it will...but i dont know what will i do... do i react the same way as it happen to me the thousand times ago... do i react differently.. what do i do? how do i do it? when do i do it? is there a book title HOW TO LIVE THRU LIFE FOR IDIOTS like me? hmm bila agaknya perasaan ini akan berlalu selama lamanya?? gile jugak aku ni nanti...hmm sabar je la....

its fuckingly creepy ya know....

Errgghhh its fuckingly freaky n fuckingly sucks…. My fuckingly precious machine was attack by fucking spyware yesterday…and I fuckingly still could not remove it… its freaky because what the fucking hell is going on with my laptop.. it sucks because I could not sign in to the fucking YM since last night -even tho i appear to be fuckingly online all day and night- and im on holiday and I fuckingly have nothing to do… to those who couldnt reach me thru that fucking YM, im so fuckingly sorry for what happen, i have no fucking idea whats happening. hope to it will be fuckingly fine soon... so that i could fuckingly be in contact with my fuckingly great friends.....errgg totally fuckingly hate this...
ok enough with the fucking thingy..[hehehe please don’t be offended and yes.. I am still me…i promise that this will be temporary... ahakkss ]
okay...exams over...summer begins... yet i am trapped in my room n house... i manage to go out to town the other day... i bought a thing or two for my self...manage to get a skirt to be worn during these holidays... summer outfit.. hmm other than that..hmmm nothing much.. still havent started clearing my room.. tho it desprately need to be tidy up... and those files and papers as well...got to find a place to keep all those stuff.... and i also need to find a better place for my ever growing stuff...thinking about re arranging the room really..
i have nothing else to say...mainly because nothing much had happen.. i havent really give what happen this few days a deep thought. basically the pattern of my life is back..the predicted pattern... super hoping to talk to someone who can give me a slight ray of light on how to go thru life... looking for someone outside my circle but not a total stanger to me... acctually i found that someone really but still havent manage to talk heart to heart to that someone. it has started but did not finish... i totally did not want to go thru the same phase of life all over again. im really hoping to put a stop to it... but i dont know how.. it has got to stop because its killing my soul...
ohh ya..thats the picture i got from my cousin..on my departure day... gambar adalah hiasan semata mata...ahakss... ermm got to think on what else i could do today...erghh
FUCKINGLY HATE THIS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

yahoooooo

exam dah habis...yeay yeay yeay yeay yeay yeay!!!!!! suka suka suka..... wah seronok nyer aku!!! and my summer begins!! at last the holiday is here.. and to manchester we go...erggghhhh sronot nyer...tak sabau aku nak gi jenjalan. ok next, buat list barang nak gi travel nanti.. kita wat list barang2 nak beli.. wat list benda2 nak wat sepanjang holiday ni.. itu termasuk la ngemas bilik dan mengangkut komputer yg telah berkampung kat bilik makan selama beberapa hari ni.. ahaksss dahsyat ooo...tak penah la aku stadi sampai cam ni skali... ohh ye aku ada satu lagi module yg perlu dimentelaah...ishh ni nak kena menuntut ngan sisters aku ni... pastu nak lawan ngan abah..errkk..apa? module apa? hahaha module PS2 hahaahaha...tu nak kena berguru ngan abah!! wehh korang..jgn lupa buat sesi tutorial ngan aku ekk... seingat aku la kan...aku tak penah pegang benda2 game cam ni...haha..k la aku nak kluar melawat town yg telah beberapa minggu merindui kehadiran aku!! ahakkssss

hatiku mula ceria seperti matahari...

=D suka2 suka!!!!! semlm paksa abah teman pegi jalan... best2...siap beli bunga lagi tu....masa beli tu takde la happy sgt..tapi bila dah bayar tu, terus je senyum...balik tu pun rasa cam ceria je. tak depressed dah...suka...tima kasih abah!!!!
tak dilupakan juga penghuni umah33 sebab semlm memang sesi kerja intensif la...seronok betul aku buat kerja ramai2...seronok2 seronok. (ulangan sebanyak 3 kali itu penting bagi menunjukkan stress intonasi yg maxsimum dan approval, selain penekanan terhadap maksud perkataan yg diulang-house33). hahaha...BM aku hampeh giler...skema nak mampus. ohh ye..tima kasih mek woo sb bagi pinjam kamera untuk sesi self obses, sesi wajib di kala exam dan esaimen...tima kasih sophy dan sal sbb turut sama mengobsesskan diri bersama2... tima kasih leli sbb bagi pinjam props... tima kasih abah sebab tolong buatkan kerja umah... tima kasih ALLAH kerana menemukan aku dengan manusia2 ini...tima kasih kerana menceriakan hati ku seceria matahariMu...
maka hari ni boleh lah aku tersenyum sambil membuat kerja...hati ini masih tidak sabar untuk bercuti....tapi tidak lagi mendung seperti semlm..mendung telah berarak pergi.....pergilah...dan jgn kembali!!!!!!!!

mendung masih belum berarak....

TOLONGGGGGGGGGGGGGG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! ni dah masuk tahap kronik dah ni...dah takde apa yg aku buat boleh untuk mengembirakan hati...call rumah pun sama je... cakap la apapun.... lion pun takleh buat pape... ishh lion ni!!! sama je...itu la perasaan aku,buat la apa pun... someone pleaseeeeee pleaseeee cheer me up... jom la...jom la kita pegi jalan2..meh la..tolong la aku...
sesungguhnya aku tak pernah rasa begini. ini dah kali kedua aku rasa camni sejak duk kat UK ni... homesick kah aku? demam peksa kah aku? aku nak nangis tapi tak terkluar air mata itu...ada sesuatu yg meresahkan jiwa aku...pada siapa harus ku luahkan rasa ini.. boleh tak lepas exam ni kita buat sesuatu yg boleh menghilangkan semua ini... aku nak....aku tak tau apa yg aku nak sebenarnya...
hari ni aku nak kluar, pegi ASDA....beli potato chips, beli coklat, beli choc cookies.. beli muffin...beli la apa2 yg aku suka...nak mkn bnyk2... make my self happy... beli bunga ke...ceriakan hati ku yg gundah gulana ini....
Ya Allah...ceriakan la hati ku seceria matahari Mu yg memancar menerangi seisi alam.....Amin!

hati tidak secerah matahari di luar...

hari ni panas giler...rasa cam duk kat mesia plakk..tapi hati ku masih tidak secerah itu..masih mendung. ntah kenapa....bila dengan kenkawan boleh plak bergelak ketawa...esp time dinner. time dinner adalah waktu yg aku tunggu2 setiap hari sejak duduk kat negeri org putih ni-yg dah tak layak dipanggil bumi peti sejuk ni-...sbb masa tu la, mkn sama2..gelak2..buat lawak...crita2 zaman dolu2... sronok ekk kalau itu je yg aku kena buat duk sini... adakah portfolio n timed essay yg tak sudah2 ni membuatkan aku bermuram durja? huh...cepat la mendung ini berlalu...adakah my draining bank account yg membuatkan aku sebegini rupa? mungkin ada benarnya...boleh tak aku nak putarkan masa supaya semua ini berlalu dengan segera...aku dan kenkawan ke manchester secepat mungkin. aku tak nak shopping giler2 tapi nak jenjalan sepuasnyer...balik nanti aku nak kerja..dapat tontong duit makan hari2 jadi la...duit elaun ni aku nak buat jenjalan je...ishh hati aku dah kat london dah ni...cepat la...tak sabar dah... aku tak suka hidup cam ni. ini bukan aku...aku tak pernah bermuram durja seperti ini... ergghhh tak terluah dgn kata2... tak dpt dikesan apa penyebabnyerr... mana kenkawan kat mesia ni...kenapa korang tak online ni? busan la camni...tak lama lagi diaorg dah nak masuk kampus balik.. aku akan kesunyian la pas ni...sapa nak chat ngan aku lagi...wehh aku nak pegi jenjalan la... bawa la daku kuar dari plymouth ini... biarla aku menyedut oksigen kat tempat lain plakk... bosannyer aku... satu lagi masalah aku yg blum resolve...MANA AKU NAK CARI IKAN LAGA KAT PLYMOUTH NI???? aku nak ikan laga kaler biru... tolong la... aku pun tak tau kenapa aku tetiba nak ikan laga... mungkin aku teringat zaman aku kecik2 dulu... macam2 kaler ada...tapi yg kaler biru tu suka yg paling aku suka.. cantik la.. suka sungguh aku kat ikan laga yg satu tu...
sudah la eqin oii....sedari pagi lagi portfolio itu meminta perhatian...pegila siapkan...bila lagi ko nak watnyer??? udoh ler tu...

mixed feelings... cam rojak plak!!

sebenarnya dah beberapa hari nak tulis tapi takde apa nak tulis..tak terluah perasaan yg ada.maybe those feeling are not strong enuff to be written in this blog. not that im supressing my feelings but... they are just plain feelings those which are not clear enough for me to analyze.. mixture of happiness, sadness, blurness, menyampah-ness, sakit hati-ness, and macam macam ada feeling-ness..ahakss. ;)) [gelak gedik...kredit to Leli: thanks mate]..feelingless pun ada gak sket2....and i couldnt find a reason for some of those feelings...i dont know why i am sad...i dont know why am i feeling blurr....tho sometimes i do have a clear vision of whats happening..i dont know why there is a kind of menyampah-ness in me...
the thing is... i will write more when i can analyze those feelings and put it into words...for now it is just a blur picture..nothing really in my mental mind...i think what i need to think...and for now...its the f****** hell [abah ajar...huhu] subject knowledge timed essay and its folio!! on second thought....maybe its the bloody hormone!! hate it when its unstable!!! so frens...bare with me ya...erghhhh WHY?

kebahagiaan aku di sini....

Mungkin Nanti
Saatnya ku berkata... Mungkin yang terakhir kalinya... Sudahlah lepaskan semua... Kuyakin inilah waktunya ...
Mungkin saja kau... Bukan yang dulu lagi... Mungkin saja rasa... Itu telah pergi... Dan mungkin bila nanti... Kita kan bertemu lagi... Satu pintaku... Jangan kau coba... Tanyakan kembali... Rasa yang ku tinggal mati... Seperti hari kelmarin... Saat semua di sini... Dan bila hatimu termenung... Bangun dari mimpi mimpimu... Membuka hatimu yang dulu... Cerita saat bersamaku... Mungkin saja kau... Bukan yang dulu lagi... Mungkin saja rasa... Itu telah pergi... Tak usah kau tanyakan lagi... Simpan untukmu sendiri... Semua sesal yang kau cari... Semua rasa yang kau beri...
3 bulan sudah berlalu. Satu jangka masa yg singkat untuk aku melupakan impian dan kenangan bersama mu… dan dalam jangka masa yg singkat itu jugalah kau cari kembali diri ini… bayangkanlah…betapa goyahnya perasaan ku…betapa hancurnya hatiku… gugur jua air mataku untuk kesekian kalinya… tapi itu tidak lama, hanya seketika. Aku tidak perlu lagi 3bulan untuk menyedari kau bukan lagi kebahagiaan untuk diri ku… kini aku bahagia di sini…bersama sahabat yg sentiasa di sisi..kau carilah kebahagian sendiri, kerana itulah yg ku doakan selalu untuk diri mu yg pernah aku cintai sepenuh hati…

i cant wait...cant wait anymore!!!

cant wait till my summer holidays..trip trip trip....jalan2..shopping2... meh kita gi jenjalan...mari2!! London here i come again!! wishing and praying for a bright summer holidays...sun come out and play!! rain rain go away!! u can come when i got back from london...and spend the rest of my holidays in my room reading my story books, broke for shopping too much in London n Manchester!!! huhu i cant wait...cant wait anymore!!! ishh tak sabar nyerrr............ im leaving my footsteps all over Europe over this next 18months!!! i will work for it!! i dont care....i will and i will... ohh ya!! dont forget ur sunblock n shades ya eqin!!
----MY FIRST SUMMER HOLIDAYS----

would this mean anyhting to me?

1st June 2005. joint horoscope. who? not important.
It's true that nothing's perfect in life, but that shouldn't dissuade you two from pursuing the ideal. The stars aren't saying you'll find it, but you may come much closer than usual at the moment. The key is to show enough faith in the universe that you actually get out there for a valiant search. What is it you're seeking? The paragon of a mate? The epitome of a work situation? The perfect plate of biscuits and gravy? Start looking (or cooking, as the case may be), and look to each other to help find the path.

it does gave some hope for me...but if the star isnt sure im going to find it... so...is it still worth looking? wont i will be broken hearted after so much effort and time, just to find out its not even mine? yes i know. i am being so paranoid. but its my own heart security. i only chase the thing that im sure its going to be mine...the one i know if i dont work hard, its never going to be mine...like 1st class degree =D or my versace EDP jeans (just 2 more to go..yellow and black....yeah!!!). to me i rather feel nothing than a broken heart.... anyone? say something....please....