Here I go again....

Assalamualaikum dearest beloved girls..


By the time you read this.. I am probably already in the OT room under anesthetic yet again but for a totally different reason. I have to do this procedure called 'Cervical Cerclage' as I am now 15 weeks pregnant...

The fact that I refuse to tell about my previous blighted ovum - living in the bubble episod..make me easily slip into living in the bubble again.. much to my delight and more to my psychological peace. No one knew about it except wan and I and the third person who knew about it was the doctor. I had really bad early weeks between the positive test and first actual ultrasound. I was almost going extremely crazy dealing with roller coaster emotions and morning sickness [more like evening for me..duhh] I even delayed about going to the doctor to confirm it...talking about ignorance is bliss... but yeah I felt an ultra calm peace knowing that if it doesnt turn out good I dont have to deal with alot of people asking me a looooottt of questions. I even told Wan that if its nothing..then no one has to know about it. We will just brave it through...the two of us. No one else..

So we kept quiet even after the first ultrasound at 8weeks and we heard the baby's heart beat. It was a relief but with what happen to Hanna..I know there is so much more to this...thats why we did not tell a lot of people. We decided that the people that should know right from the beginning was our parents. After that it was a loooong silence until the doctor told me..I need to do this cerclage thing and take off from work until my delivery date. So I only told 3 friends at school because they and their workload will be affected severely with my absence from school. I only told my HM and GPK when the doctor has confirm me the date and with letters to support it.  Wan told his bosses to avoid being sent out station and offshores.. Thats about it. I was not yet comfortable to break the news. Until last week I had the courage to tell our siblings about it.. so we starts doing so. Even so I still felt 'the bubble' is the best place to be.. its not like its the first time I got pregnant.. this is already the fourth. Yes people are happy for you...but the happiness is temporary and when the sadness begins...you are all alone again... and it felt like forever.

I have no idea how to tell you girls this...honestly I really dont know. Wan keeps on pushing me to tell you.. I decided this will be the best way.. I dont know why you should be happy with the news when I cant be happy with yours... but all of you have bigger hearts than mine...

So thats my news and thank you for reading it. I am still sorry for what I did.. there is no excuse for what i did.. it was pure selfish of me.