Here I go again....

Assalamualaikum dearest beloved girls..


By the time you read this.. I am probably already in the OT room under anesthetic yet again but for a totally different reason. I have to do this procedure called 'Cervical Cerclage' as I am now 15 weeks pregnant...

The fact that I refuse to tell about my previous blighted ovum - living in the bubble episod..make me easily slip into living in the bubble again.. much to my delight and more to my psychological peace. No one knew about it except wan and I and the third person who knew about it was the doctor. I had really bad early weeks between the positive test and first actual ultrasound. I was almost going extremely crazy dealing with roller coaster emotions and morning sickness [more like evening for me..duhh] I even delayed about going to the doctor to confirm it...talking about ignorance is bliss... but yeah I felt an ultra calm peace knowing that if it doesnt turn out good I dont have to deal with alot of people asking me a looooottt of questions. I even told Wan that if its nothing..then no one has to know about it. We will just brave it through...the two of us. No one else..

So we kept quiet even after the first ultrasound at 8weeks and we heard the baby's heart beat. It was a relief but with what happen to Hanna..I know there is so much more to this...thats why we did not tell a lot of people. We decided that the people that should know right from the beginning was our parents. After that it was a loooong silence until the doctor told me..I need to do this cerclage thing and take off from work until my delivery date. So I only told 3 friends at school because they and their workload will be affected severely with my absence from school. I only told my HM and GPK when the doctor has confirm me the date and with letters to support it.  Wan told his bosses to avoid being sent out station and offshores.. Thats about it. I was not yet comfortable to break the news. Until last week I had the courage to tell our siblings about it.. so we starts doing so. Even so I still felt 'the bubble' is the best place to be.. its not like its the first time I got pregnant.. this is already the fourth. Yes people are happy for you...but the happiness is temporary and when the sadness begins...you are all alone again... and it felt like forever.

I have no idea how to tell you girls this...honestly I really dont know. Wan keeps on pushing me to tell you.. I decided this will be the best way.. I dont know why you should be happy with the news when I cant be happy with yours... but all of you have bigger hearts than mine...

So thats my news and thank you for reading it. I am still sorry for what I did.. there is no excuse for what i did.. it was pure selfish of me.

My first baby..

After a few weeks of owning the ultimate stand mixer... I finally able to create fabulous creations...

It was almost a disaster..as I try to make too many things in an awful short amount of time.. I tried to bake bread and make fairy cakes all in one afternoon.. and both could have gone horribly wrong.

First.. my bread dough is not smoothing up and elastic-y enough.. but i decide to proof it all together.. turns out all right.. could use bread improver and a little bit more yeast. and a little longer proofing. still dense and heavy.. tapi lembut laaa jugak. i got about 6 slightly bigger buns..from half the recipe. I should have just mixed the dough longer and bersabar..huhuhu.. Bersabar adalah key to a great bread dough.. FUHHHH...sabar babe!! next time ok next time kita relax2 wat roti...fikiran yg serabut2 will translate into roti yang keras dan tidak gebu...

Then I tried to whip up a vanilla cake batter and when I was already spooning it to the tray.. i realise that I totally forgot the baking powder!~ weeehhooo... dump it all back in the mixer with 2 and half teaspoon of baking powder and whip it up hard with my super mixer.. and pray it will be delicious. Phewww~~

I get almost 56 cuppies all together. I plan to make it all pretty with a swiss meringue buttercream..but I ate alot of it and now mcm malas nak buat the buttercream.. The cuppies are heaven.. light fluffy and not too sweet.. I of course use the best vanila cake recipe from buddy the cake boss.. hohohoho...

I also learn that if i use the fan option of my oven..my cuppies wont crown as much resulting of a better looking ones and more suitable to be ice. i need to buy sprinkles!!!

I also learn that i have to bake my cuppies a little brown..to avoid the liners peeling off..I also need to get the correct liners size for my pan. plain and pretty ones please.. I didnt know they have seriously alot of different sizes.. and i need to buy an ice cream scoop or this... i just learn about it last night. Me wantt!!!

I am the crazy woman who insist of having of only the best available. hohoho.. malangnyer duit jer tak best..hahahaahahah...

selain wilton batter dispenser... saya juga mahu ini~~

 

Haaaaa kau... tak gila sementara kahh??? aku kan gila of having the complete set of something. hohoho..All can be purchased at wilton kota damansara or subang jaya

Wisma ICCA, 1, Jalan PJU 5/15, Dataran Sunway, Kota Damansara, 47810 Petaling Jaya, Selangor, MalaysiaTel   : 03-6140 8835 Fax  : 03-6142 1501		No. 2 & 2A-1, Jalan Putra Mahkota 7/8E, Putra Heights, 47650 Subang Jaya, Selangor, Malaysia. Tel  : 03-5103 8991 Fax : 03-5191 5835
Operating Hours:		Mon to Friday : 10am - 6pm Saturday  :10am -5pm Sunday + Public Holiday : Closed
Mon to Saturday : 9:30am - 7pm Sunday : 9:30am - 5pm Public Holiday : Closed

To all gorgeous beloved babes reading this.. I would be delighted to have this as my birthday present. *please get my very subtle hint hahahaha...*

My new baby~

Yeayy.. after a month of being mixer-less...ceh mcm laa baking everyweek. huhu.. I finally bought my new mixer.

I called all Kitchen Shop around klang valley for the ultimate Raspberry Ice colour.. but it is discontinued in Malaysia. So there is no way I can buy it unless i imported it illegally. Meaning no warranty and have to buy transformers. *gasp* 3ribu kot~ takpe la. So i settle for the Baby Pink Cook for Cure version of the Artisan Mixer.

Its a big bummer..but at least its still pink and its for a cause dear to my heart. =)

Im so broke this month well at least until 15th April..hahaha... I couldnt convert the buy to easy pay 0% interest.. so I had to pay with the card and pay it with my next gaji..hohoho.. sebulan gaji den losap begitu sajo...  but when u get a view like this..

aaaa....it is all worth it~ cantik kan??  to the left is the cake stand with the glass plate n cover inherited from Mama. sangat gorgeous kerana ia sangat vintage looking.. saya suka~~ and to the right is my new 2 tier pink with white polka dots cake plate inherited from IKEA. ok fine aku baru beli malam tadi..30 hengget jer.  speed shopping at IKEA. duhhh~~ sale dah nak abis kot!

So my baking showroom is complete. well sort of.. it is fully complete when I get the pink doilies to put on the glass plate.. hahaha..

Hubby nak saya bake roti. tapi saya sibuk sangat sangat sangat sbb saya ada 3 gunung buku nak mark and saya juga perlu update saya punyer SPPBS untuk 130 ekor monkeys.. owh slah. anak murid kesayangan ku~~ huhuhu...

130biji in total. hoh. leh masuk mimpi punyer laa~

Mencari ilham, masa dan kesempatan untuk berblogging.. dengan to do list yang saaaaaaannngggaaat la panjang berjela. huhu. nak p beli towels pun tak sempat sempat lagi~ hohohoh. Now I know why people hire personal shopper. urghh~.

Semoga my new baby will be there to witness all the wonderful creations I am destined to create.

poyo.

A new life

Tribute to my most loyal reader : BUJAL. love u sooo muchh~~ muahhh~~

I was really taken back when i was told that my blog is not updated. ces. I quit fb to make sure I have time to blog but since we move in to our new crib,[officially move-in: JULY] time is very limited. All the cleaning, cooking tidying up is taking alot of my time. I soon learn that I can clean my house with a single phone call. weeeehoooo~~ 2 hours and RM60 poorer, my house is spotless. I can still remember how I was so afraid to even walk into the kitchen and get something for dinner. I was sitting on the sofa admiring my glossy floor. hahaha. crazy woman. Now I only need to find someone to iron all my baju kurung. Bibik saya skarang busy jaga mama saya. so bibik saya takleh datang rumah gosok baju..huhuhu...

quick update:

last nov we went for 5day 4 night gateway to penang + cruise to phuket n krabi. gila syiok. intended to spend tonnes of money but we didnt. phuket sangat mahal okie. i attended a baking class before i go back to kuantan. i learn how to bake bread...which till today yet to put into practice. booo~~

dec:  i spend a lot of my holidays time away from the house which in turn makes me soooo unprepared for school term. But i manage to spend rm400 at big bad wolf. ish ish crazy woman. but all for good things. right before school starts..i manage to learn how to make the delish millie crepe cake. nyumm.. and spend a good rm300 to buy stuff n gadgets. so no new bag or shoe or baju kurung for me.. but i manage to inherit quite a few from mama. hehehe.. owh i actually have some new resolutions for the new year. hahaha. starting small and starting slow. starts with lemon that cost 70sen a piece or less. kedekut gila. hahaha

Jan: school has gone bonkers with our new GB. hoiii... banyak kijo wehh. but i actually like him cos he likes to menyenangkan tugas cikgu. cuma with all that simplified, in his head, we have more time to do more things. gorgeous. all that cause my face to be a breading ground for pimples.. gorgeous. so I spend the last and only half month of my bonus signing up a new facial package RM1998. owh you crazy womannn..

feb: It is dangerous for me to be left alone..with hubby gone working away so much, my head is spinning like crazy mad with ideas of spending money. and while looking at my friends toting new bag and bouncing in new shoes make me green n pink n purple and go haywire. bengong eqin. so i spend 3 days and 3 nights looking at my favourite buang duit websites and i found a gorgeous bagg!!! bodoh betol eqin.. and a week after that i found the perfect shoe to match the bag. Dah la both my favourite. kate spade bag and French sole shoe. double bengong for CNY. bukan double prosperity. urghhh

But i decided to forget all of it...since I have a big resolution to achieve at the end of the year. Like they say...bags will be out of seasons..shoes will wear out..but photographs last forever.. hohohoho..

but bad news come in threes. I busted my MIXER yang bercap Takada on Valentine's day. I was just trying to cream 500gm of butter with 4 cups of sugar.. heh. Berasap wehh mixer aku~~nasib baik it was one of the wedding gift. serve me ok thru my raya cookies baking tho. haihhh~~ need a new mixer now.  

BUT: something came with the annoying credit card statement last month. The only fun thing about credit card statement is the points collected~~ I have been sneaky by volunteering to pay with my card every time I am out with the girls.. haha since I am the only one with a credit card. heee... I manage to turn those points into real things..like a dvd player and hubby baru je redeem a new juicer. Yeayy can start juicing within 2 weeks....And with last month's statement came this offer of zero interest installment plan from selected shops. one of it KITCHEN SHOP. heeee... the shop i intended to buy my gorgeous Kitchen Aid Artisan Mixer when I got the money..huhuh. Since I busted my so-not beloved mixer, hubby has given me green light to buy the kitchen aid mixer.. weeee hooo. and since I can turn it into installment plan up to 36months why not I buy it.

So now the agonising thing is what colour to choooseeee~~~ adoi laa.

*sangat banyak gambar nak include...tapi malas..

sunshine love

Assalamualaikum my beloved girls.

This is the only way I can think of to communicate with you girls. What I am about to say could change what we have between us, me and all of you. I have thought, cried, prayed, and cried again and I decided to wait till the last minute just in case I change my mind and my heart. 

I know Huda is pregnant. She should be about 7months now..she will be 8 next month when our reunion is due. 

I knew I invited all of you to my house for a much needed reunion. At that time I didn’t know. About a few weeks after that I got to know it accidentally. I cried and cried. I tried to find someone to talk about it and that was when I was hit really hard that I can only talk to you girls, for comfort and sanity. Don’t get me wrong. I cried because I am weak. I am happy for her. I really am. I totally get it why none of you came to me and talk about it. I understand why and I really am thankful for having such thoughtful friends by my side. Thank You EVER SO MUCH. But I am really sorry I can’t have you girls at my house. Especially not when she is that far along the pregnancy. 

I knew I would feel this way if this happen. That was one of the reasons I stopped my birth control pills just days before Yunie’s wedding. I love you girls so much I refuse to be in such situation. 

There are also many many reasons why I deactivate my FB account. One of the main reason is I can’t stand reading ‘owh my baby sangat pandai..dia main ngn papa tadi’ or ‘ i don’t mind staying up all night to nurse my boy’ . It hurts me deep and very bad. Pictures are worse. They put tears to my eyes instantly. I could not deal with it. So i shut my FB. There are other reasons, its true, Wan once said I spend too much time on FB. And I also did it because I don't want people to know that I am hurting. I don't want to put up statuses on FB pouring my heart out so I will pour my heart out to Him instead.

The truth is I am weak. So bloody weak. I have lost my courage and strength. I even decided not to get pregnant again. I don’t want to try again. Ever. It took me a year after I lost Hanna to get back on my feet being ok and everything. I emptied my bank accounts in the process to make me feel ok. I am doing it again right now. 

I am so sorry for being such an asshole and selfish but I had to. I am trying so hard to be ok but I could not. Maybe not yet. That was why I waited and gave myself a deadline before telling you girls. I prayed and prayed; ask for strength and mercy from Him. I cried and cried for many days even fight and quarrel with Wan. I cried because I am angry at myself for not being OK. 

I know you girls, being you, would understand where all this comes from. I wish you will never know how I really feel. I wish you will never have to go through all this.

I really am sorry. I really love all of you. I could not think of what will happen next because of my actions. I leave it all to you. I really hope you girls can find it deep in your heart to forgive me. I don’t know how to live without you girls. I really am doing this alone. You girls are the only ones I can rely on to keep me sane. 

By all means, you girls should not cancel the reunion. Huda deserves a baby shower like we did for Sudi. Why don’t you girls go to Kuantan and be with her. I wanted to pay for your accommodation in KL during the week so you girls can still have the reunion, but my salary was cut till December and I emptied my bank account. I barely have enough to keep me sane. So sorry again, I had to be such a party pooper. But if you girls plan to buy something for Huda, I want to join, if that is ok. 

I know Huda has been trying to reach me. She texted me once n called once. But I can’t face her. There is still so much anger n envy in my heart. That is not good for the baby.  Please tell her I am happy for her, wish her all the best and all the good things in the world for both. 

I will be away for a couple of days on the cruise holiday. It has been really hard n rough for me and Wan these past few months. Partly because of all this rage I have in me...so I hope to patch things up with him.  It is not going to be any easier from now on. Doing this bouncing back thing alone is totally not recommended.

Please forgive me. You are the bestest of friends one could ever have. I am so blessed to have you in my life. I am sorry for being such lousy, ungrateful and selfish person especially after all that you girls have done for me. I am truly deeply sorry.

Lots of love and hugs,

xoxo