-alone, lost & confused-

I have long given up trying to retype my last thought. It has gone now really...just hope I wont have to retype this one too. I might just abandon this blogging career if I really have to. But on second thought, I have gone this far, tho I think my entree here wasn’t as good as some entrée when I was still in friendster. Hahaha not even close to some other blog. But what the heck! this is my blog…im running it the way I want… so does my life.. the way I like it.. so what if other don’t like it. I like the way I deal with things, i like the way it is… I like with familiar things.. I like it to be the way I used to have…I like the way my room was planned out.. so what if other don’t like it, I like it.. I don’t care cos it my life..

So after several weeks living in ignorance and unawareness, our routine have started to fall back into place, as we sit down together for dinner today. Finally!! Some familiar thing in life.. the pre-dinner activity was great too, I have always enjoyed the company of everyone… guess we are so much better as one rather than individuals..

Tho it seems as Im surrounded by great people.. great friends really…I have always feel alone, lost and confused.. thru my entire life, there is only one time I had really be alone.. but it was the time went I choose to be alone. Gosh I don’t know really.. it feels like there is no one to talk to.. so much bottled up inside.. I know I can just spill it out…I know they will be there for me…I know they will listen.. I know bcos they are good friends [thanks guys..] but I don’t know where to start…I don’t even know what to say really.. i don’t even know what is the problem really… but there is no problem.. but I guess, the biggest problem in life is when u have no problem at all..

Bottled up inside

are words i never said

the feelings that i hide

the lines you never read.

You can see it in my eyes

read it on my face

traped in side are lies

of the past i can't replace.

With memories that linger

won't seem to go away

why can't i be happier

today’s a brand new day.

Yesterdays are over

even though the hurting is not

nothing lasts forever

i must cherish what i've got.

Don't take my love for granted

for soon it will be gone

all you ever wanted

of the love you thought you'd won.

The hurt i'm feeling now

won't disappear over night

but someway, somehow

everything will turn out alright….

This is one of my few favourite poems…guess I have left too many things in m’sia.. not just the one I want to left in m’sia…but also the ones I thought I could live without.. the other week.. I was desperately doing some soul searching… and I was looking for this poem I wrote a couple of years ago..a promise really, to live strong.. how a simple person, has make me realise how much I have been thru, what have I become.. and I was quite surprise to find its nowhere within reach.. and I have deliberately, left my great purple book back home.. and I left all those little things I thought I could live without.. I can live without all those, its just, if I have all those reminder how I have gone thru all that, frankly speaking, alone, some darkest days n nights of my life really, life, now as its matter most, would be much easier… but I guess I have to rely on my dearest most loyal companion and reminder now…gosh Lion....u and I have got some serious bonding work to do.. so much we need to go thru really.. and I know u will never fail me, u will never let me down..

searching for the life I left behind…searching for familiarity… searching the way to go back on track… searching for the way to be in control…searching for the strength to keep me going.. searching for the will that i used to have.. searching for the old bitter me…the one who came out alive… the one who learnt life isnt sweet...the one who realise the world is cruel... searching and keep on searching…